“Don’t believe everything you think. Thoughts are just that – thoughts.” – Allan Lokos
The brain is a truly amazing machine. It can solve complex problems, analyze seemingly hopeless situations and devise ingenious strategies to escape them. The ability to think separates us from our ancestors. But is the brain always right? Can it always be trusted? Are the thoughts you have sometimes skewed?
I once had a boss who proudly said this: “Julia, you’re your own worst enemy.” His words crushed me, but the sentiment was spot on. My mind can be a frightening place. It can be a dazzling and wonderful place, too, but darkness has always lurked in the corners, spaces full of tiny monsters who whisper deflating things. “You’re not good enough.” “You’ll never accomplish this.” “People think you’re doing a terrible job.” “This situation is too wonderful to last.” These are but a few of the thoughts that have often plagued me.
So where do these pesky thoughts come from?
I think humans carry around heavy emotional baggage. And I don’t care who you are or where you’re from; no one on this planet is immune. Everyone suffers occasional doubt. Everyone falls victim to personal fears. Think about an argument you may have had with a loved one, a partner, or even a work colleague. It’s all too easy to fabricate a story, or believe in something that simply isn’t true. You can work yourself into a frenzy over it. The human brain is always striving to make connections. It links facts to other facts to create a tidy narrative, which it then files away to be pondered later. The problem is this: if we’re not careful, the narratives we create can be false. The stories we tell ourselves are influenced by our past experiences, and as such, we often fail to capture what really is. Our brains are constantly distorting reality.
Consider this common scenario: a wife puts on a holiday dress. She asks her partner, “Do you like this dress, or do you prefer the black one?” Her partner carefully considers his answer, a sick feeling taking root in his stomach. This question, he’s learned, is a trap. “I think you look beautiful in either dress, honey, but yes: I prefer the black one.” After a harrowing pregnant pause, her smile bleeds to a frown. Her shoulders slump and she hugs her stomach. “You think I look fat in this one!” she demands. “NO!” he cries out. “I didn’t say that.” Though he stumbles to find the right words, there aren’t any, because this is a doubt she’s suffered all of her life. She’s ready for a fight, ready to challenge his answer. She’s quietly waiting to pounce on him. But what if he’d said something else instead, like, “No, honey, I prefer the dress you’re wearing.” Can you imagine what her response might be? “Why?” she might say. “Does the black one make me look fat?” As you can see, this is a no-win situation. Neither answer would have worked. But do you know what’s crazier than that? Without realizing it, she designed it that way. Not consciously, of course, but unconsciously. Her doubts and insecurities took over her mind and devised a plan to manifest themselves.
Eckhart Tolle, in a book entitled, Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, describes human consciousness as a split personality. He calls it “awareness vs. thinking”. And I can tell you this: I think it’s the truth. Consider this for a moment: You’re about to give a presentation at work. You’ve studied it, practiced it, you’re comfortable with the topic. You’ve become an expert in this particular subject, and everyone around you is ready to learn. But as you stand up, in front of the room, a tiny voice begins to whisper. “You’re about to put these people to sleep”. “You’re uninteresting.” “You’ll forget your lines.” A million similar thoughts spin through your head, all of which cripple your confidence. Despite your expertise, your thoughts paralyze you.
Pretty common, right? We’ve all been there. Those voices, according to Eckhart Tolle, are a part of your insidious ego. He refers to this ego as the “unobserved mind.” (which in me, can sometimes run rampant and wild!) In the above scenario, what if you could stop and press pause? What if you were to freeze the situation and step back? Could you recognize that insidious voice for what it is? Look deeper, inside yourself. Turn inward. What do you see? Can you see this strange duality inside, this voice that speaks, but that isn’t the real “you”? What if you could observe these thoughts in real time? What if you could be the “silent watcher” and stand guard? How powerful a practice would that be in your life? Could you, as the observer, watch these voices arise? Could you catch them before you allow them to swell?
Dan Harris, in his podcast, 10% happier, says that you need to cultivate a “doubt machine gun”—okay…maybe not the best analogy in this day and age, but bear with me. This is going somewhere. If you are the observer, as stated above, and you feel familiar doubts beginning to unfold, take out your doubt machine gun and shoot them down. These thoughts don’t serve you. They exist to tear you down, hold you back, or even protect you. But they don’t necessarily represent you. You are the observer, not the insidious whispering voice. Your thoughts represent your egoic self, the mask you wear, the tough skin you put on. Your ego identifies with a particular life story, which can often be illusory. It’s the story of all the rejections you’ve suffered, the disappointments and failures you think you’ve experienced. It’s a culmination of painful memories and impressions, and it lies to you. It tries to hold you back.
Albert Einstein described human nature as “an optical illusion of consciousness.” Wow. When he said these words, he must have been talking about me. Perception is reality, I’ve often heard, but the truth of the matter, to me, is this: your perception is only your perception! You have NO IDEA what other people are thinking. You DON’T REALLY KNOW if they’ve judged you. (And in truth, do you care if they have?) At the end of the day, what does it matter?
How can you stop this detrimental pattern of thinking?
For me, this has taken commitment and work, but the first step seems to be daily acknowledgement. To think better thoughts, you have to first recognize the bad ones. “Think positively” is advice I’ve often been given, but in truth, it’s particularly hard for me. It can set me up for failure. It can lead to disappointment when negative thoughts inevitably arise. So instead of trying to “think positively”, I try to “think negatively”—less. (make sense?) Try, as Eckhart Tolle suggests, to envision yourself as 2 separate people inhabiting a single body. There’s the real you, the person deep inside, and the false you, trying to run the show, the mask that was created by your past experiences. Can you recognize the false ego when he/she/it is speaking? Can you gently slap it on the arm and silence it? For me, this small step has led to significant change. Oh…don’t get me wrong. My annoying “ego gnome” still lives inside me. She’s in there, ready to take things over, ready to whisper terrible things in my ear. She’ll never completely go away. I’ve just figured out a way to control her. I recognize her for what she is…and I try not to listen to what she says.
This week’s challenge
This week, get your “doubt machine gun” loaded and ready. Be the observer. Stand guard and take watch. Try to be aware of the thoughts you think, and then shoot them down if they don’t serve you. That’s all you have to do. Don’t do anything more. Don’t try to think happier thoughts. It’s too hard. You’ll just get frustrated and give up too soon. Trust me. I’ve been there. Just take a smaller step. For now, just recognize the nastier thoughts, and then shoot them down as they arise in your mind.
Give this a “shot” ( pardon my pun). “Stay in your head” as they say, “and you’re dead.”But step outside that spinning storm of thoughts, and draw in a fresh breath of air. It feels amazing. My thoughts are with you this week. Good luck. 